Who has the Time?

It has been two years. In two years, we all did the same things in varying intervals of success or failure. We sat in our homes, we waded through grief and doubt. We asked ourselves: is this how it’s going to be forever, am I ok with that, and what do should I do now? And in two years, we have sat with the thought that what we believed for so long, the reality we fall head over heels into daily, was always one minute away from being vastly different than it was before.

In two years, the breakdown that started within became an immaculate mess. In 2019, I was drowning in social anxiety. The idea of getting up and going somewhere was always a panic attack, constant catastrophic thought, away from destroying my ability to function. It all just felt so overwhelming, because in the end – it wasn’t the getting up and it wasn’t the doing. It was being myself in those places that were not necessarily the safest. The places I was sure people looked and thought “she’s something, isn’t she?” But with less friendly thoughts to follow.

In 2020, we collectively had social anxiety. Safety was not based on personality, but physical need to keep oneself alive long enough to get to the other side – to more normal anxieties. And in that time, I started an inner search for where I had become in 2019. Why going to a class or to a friend’s house was an event. Why am I the way I am? Why was I so scared of who I was?

When I started this blog, I already knew I wanted to call it The Internal Dialogue. That constant voice in my head that narrates what I write (like now), that tells me what I can and cannot do, that says in its darkest voice “they all are laughing at you” and in the lightest voice “you can do this.” But what I thought was – I could tell you about the books I read. In reality, my Internal Dialogue does not talk to me about the books I read. In reality, the things I like about reading are not necessarily the hope the story could be real, and I could meet and be fated and be anyone else. No, my Internal Dialogue is my coach, my deterrer, my problem solver, my poet…I am the match. My thoughts burn.

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